Guest blog by Keegan Prue, an educator and author of The IVF Dad.
“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
When my wife Olivia and I set out to try to conceive, we (like most people) assumed that within a few months, we’d see those lovely two lines on a pregnancy test and—voila!—we’d start planning the baby shower. Alas, after over six months of trying without success, we started to recognize that things might not be as easy as we’d thought.
Trying to conceive can be stressful on men, just as it is on women. And it can be especially stressful if you and your partner run into struggles, or end up pursuing fertility treatments like IUI or IVF (as Olivia and I did). Between the overwhelming range of diagnoses, alphabet soup of treatments and acronyms (IVF, ICSI, IUI, AMH, oh my!), figuring out finances, and determining a viable treatment plan, it’s very normal for male partners to feel anxious, overwhelmed, and upset.
Yet, as the Emerson quote above suggests, men too often keep those feelings bottled up, as we’ve been taught to do for years by…*gestures vaguely around* pretty much the entirety of society.Just as a small example of how powerful this message is, read through the following ideas…I’ll bet some of these sound pretty familiar:
- “Real men” stay strong at all times; if they show their feelings, it’s a sign of weakness.
- Boys don’t cry!
- Men shouldn’t ask for help. “Real men” help themselves.
- Be a man!
So we’ve heard these message for years from movies, TV, books, and peers. What’s one great way men can start to overcome those habits we’ve learned of keeping our emotions locked up? Try meditation!
As I write about in my book, The IVF Dad, during such a stressful time as fertility treatment, it’s critical for male partners—just as it is for women—to seek out ways to support themselves and their mental well-being.
In fact, after my wife bought a package of Circle and Bloom guided meditations, I started listening to them several times a week too. I was amazed how much calmer I felt after listening, and I also learned techniques and tips I could use on my own throughout the week. Learning to meditate really helped me to keep calmer during our journey, and I know it can benefit other men too!
Need more reasons to give meditation a try? Here are five ways meditation can help men during fertility struggles:
1. It can help you get some space to figure out what you’re feeling.
Men often spend so many years bottling up their feelings that we might actually need to get back in touch with them! As you do a guided meditation or just give yourself some space to breathe in a quiet place, you can literally “try out” different feelings—am I sad? Upset? Angry? Confused?—and see which ones fit. This can help you regain a clearer connection and understanding of your feelings.
2. It can help you feel more ready to share and discuss your struggles.
The “real men help themselves” idea is another really damaging one. Everyone needs help at some point in their lives, even if that help is just to have a friend listen to what you’re going through. But it can feel very scary to share what you’re going through during fertility struggles, especially since we might feel ashamed about it. By helping understand and accept what you’re feeling, meditation can get you more ready to share your struggles with family, a friend, a faith leader, or a counselor.
3. Give you space to get “off the hamster wheel” of thinking about ways to take action or “fix” things.
Another stereotype men deal with is that we’re often expected to take action or fix things. With TTC or fertility struggles, there are some things in our control, like getting a proper semen analysis and testing, and learning about the diagnoses and treatments. But there is also a LOT that is out of our control, and lots of time waiting—waiting for test results, a next treatment cycle, and so forth. Meditation can help men just sit and have some space with whatever they’re feeling and time to remind ourselves that sometimes it’s ok to just sit without taking immediate action.
4. Provide time to figure out how to support yourself and your partner
By getting better in touch with your feelings, men may also find they feel more empathetic toward themselves and their partner. Taking good care of ourselves and our partner is so critical during fertility struggles. By taking up meditation, you’ll be giving yourself space to consider what actually would help you feel better—whether that’s making more time to discuss how you’re feeling with a friend, doing more meditation, getting back to an exercise routine, or whatever else! Likewise, you’ll probably find that meditation gives you the brainspace to think about how to support your partner. Maybe planning a really nice date night out?
5. Help you shift toward more positive thoughts
Finally, the roller coaster of emotions during fertility struggles can really get you stuck in lots of negative, anxious, worried thoughts. If you find yourself looping through different scenarios, “what ifs?’, and worries, know that it’s totally normal! But more important, know that meditation gives a chance for you to shift your brain back toward more positive or proactive thinking. One of the easiest things to do during meditation is focus on a positive thought, and just say it to yourself over and over—sometimes called a “mantra” or “anchor thought.” It sounds crazy, but science shows that we really can re-train our brains just like a muscle. Some examples of a mantra or anchor thought you could use might be:
- My partner and I are doing everything in our power to achieve our goal.
- Sharing problems can be a great way to get support.
- Strong people aren’t afraid to reach out to get help.
So there are the five ways meditation can help–now how do you get started? At most simple, meditation is just sitting in a quiet space while focusing on your breathing. Start by setting a timer for 1 minute and just breathe in and out. Your mind will probably wander, which is normal and OK! When it does, just put your focus back on your breathing.
As a bonus, you can also check out guided meditations, which are a great way to focus your thinking—check out Circle and Bloom’s TTC Partner Program for an awesome starting point. And remember, mindfulness is something that works in many ways and styles. Find something that fits for you, and seek out creative practices! You can also find lots more tips for how to take care of yourself and be a supportive partner in my book, The IVF Dad.
So—don’t just stand there! Sit down. Breathe deeply. Relax for a bit. And hopefully you find it makes your journey just a bit easier.
Keegan Prue is an author and educator from upstate New York. Keegan and his wife’s infertility journey involved two rounds of IVF, two miscarriages, and three embryo transfers, finally resulting in the birth of their daughter in 2020. After enduring this difficult road to parenthood, Keegan decided to write his book, The IVF Dad, to share their story and to inform and empower men and couples so that they can support each other through their fertility path. Part of the proceeds of each copy of The IVF Dad sold goes to support foundations that make grants to couples to support the cost of fertility treatment. You can connect with Keegan on Instagram @TheIVFDad, and at TheIVFDad.com.
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