Guest blog by Monika Friedman, a Fertility Coach.
“You can’t always get what you want.”
“You should lose / gain weight, then things will fall into place.”
“Just relax!”
“Why don’t you just adopt?”
“You need to find a way to be happy without children.”
“Oh, this has never happened to anyone in our family.”
“I know someone who tried for a year and now they are pregnant.”
These were some of the most unhelpful and painful things my family and close friends said to me during my multi-year fertility journey. Did they mean to hurt me? No. Were they trying to be helpful? Yes. Did they have any clue? Probably not. Could I have handled the communication with my family and friends better? Hell yes!
Navigating family and friends during this trying time can be an extra hoop to jump through that you really don’t need. After all, we want to turn to those closest to us for unconditional support and no judgement. Usually, we don’t want unsolicited advice or to be compared to others.
Family dinners, holidays, the obligatory Sunday evening phone call or vacations can turn into much-dreaded events that you think about weeks and months in advance. It is hard not to wonder how to answer the question of when you’ll have babies, how to disguise you are not drinking, not eating certain foods or how to explain you don’t have the energy to engage in a conversation.
Managing other people’s emotions, opinions and advice can be draining and upsetting and you simply may not have the energy to carry that burden in addition to your own emotional state.
These are all valid reasons not to share your fertility journey with your family or close friends. This is your very personal choice, there is no right or wrong. During this time you need to take care of your emotional and physical well-being first. Anyone else comes after.
On the other hand, you might need a shoulder to cry on and feel that is easiest to do with someone very close to you. It can be incredibly healing to share some of what has been going on so you don’t have to manage it all by yourself. Maybe your husband is communicating differently to what you need and your mom or sister or best friend get you on your emotional level. Talking about our worries has immense benefits for our mental health. Talking about your feelings has a direct impact on how your brain processes the emotions. By speaking your worries out loud, your words and logical thought processes (from the rational mind) help override the fight or flight mode in your feeling brain, and move you from an emergency state to a safer space. Remember, at our core we are still cavewomen, so let your emotional brain know that you won’t be eaten by a lion.
But what if you want to talk to your family and friends, but don’t know how to break the ice or are worried you will be surprised by hurtful comments?
3 Ways to Talk to Family & Friends About Your Fertility Journey
1. Make an announcement in a relaxed setting, short and neutral. No drama, simply stating the facts and move on. This way you take out the heat of the topic and preempt some questions and answers so you don’t have to repeat them later on. And you do it all when and where you want. Click here for a short breathing space to help you feel calm and settled before you do this.
2. If you can’t bring yourself to say it in person, consider writing an email or a letter. Explain in as little or as much detail as you want what is going on, which topics you’d like to avoid, and what kind of support you need.
3. All the above might be too emotional for you, so you could ask your partner to get the message across for you. Brief him about what you want him to say, not to say and how to respect your limits.
Once families and friends know, they might feel scared, unsure or awkward. They may simply clam up and walk on eggshells around you. This is the last thing you need, because it makes your ‘unique’ status even more pronounced. And we don’t want to be treated with ‘kid gloves’. Emotions can vary from day to day, we have good and bad days. Some days you might actually be ok if someone asks about your fertility journey, some days it might be completely inappropriate.
How Can I Help Someone Dealing With Infertility?
You might consider including in your message to your family and friends some helpful things they could say or act on (or send them this article):
- You tell me when you want to talk about it or not. I am here to listen whenever you are ready.
- I am here for you, without judgement or advice.
- I love you, I care for you and I am sorry you are going through this.
- All your feelings are valid. This time is so rough.
- I don’t understand your situation as I have never been through it, but I feel for you and am looking for ways to help.
- Let’s just spend time together and focus on the things we enjoy doing together.
You may be surprised how well your family and friends take your news and how much compassion and understanding they can provide.
Check in with yourself from time to time and listen to your gut feeling as to whether telling your family and friends is a good idea for you. Again, there is no right or wrong. You are in charge of how you want to communicate your journey to the outside world, so do it in the way that most helps you.
Conclusion:
The decision to share your fertility journey with family and friends is a very personal one, there is no right or wrong. If you decide to do so, here are 3 ways to break the ice in a respectful way. You might consider sharing some helpful things your family and friends could say to you as you are going through this. Know you are not alone!
As a fertility coach Monika provides emotional, lifestyle & practical fertility support for women, helping them to increase their chances of conceiving and manage their emotions along the way. he’s a 4-time IVF warrior turned fertility coach, mind-body teacher, health & life coach.
Her own journey to becoming a mom (1 IVF, 1 naturally conceived baby) has made her passionate about helping make YOUR path easier.
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