Guest blog by Lea Nicole, a psychotherapist and IVF Mindset Coach providing support to women struggling with fertility.
Thoughts CAN Hurt
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
I’m sure we’ve all realized this childhood rhyme isn’t true. Yes, words from others CAN hurt us… but what about our own thoughts, the words we tell ourselves?
As surprising as it sounds, yes, your own thoughts can significantly impact your state of being, both mentally and physically.
How you think about something affects how you FEEL about it. Your thoughts can affect your emotions AND your actions.
I’ve found over time that a lot of women with fertility issues tend to struggle with negative thoughts like “I’m never going to have a baby”, leading them to DOUBT their body and further reduce chances of a pregnancy.
Catch your Thought
When we feel emotions, we have thoughts that precede those emotions.
Have you ever noticed what you are saying to yourself?
This isn’t going to work.
I can’t get pregnant.
I’ll never be a mom.
When you are told bad news about your fertility from doctors or when you have tried and failed to get pregnant over time, negative thoughts and doubt can creep in and start to control our day to day thinking. Going through fertility issues is STRESSFUL. When we are stressed, it is more likely that we start to have negative thoughts coursing through our minds that are more difficult to control.
Sometimes, we don’t even notice what we are thinking OR feeling because they pass through us very quickly. We also may lose sight of them because of a habit of negative thought patterns.
Why is knowing or catching your thoughts important? Thoughts are the starting point for a cycle of emotions and behaviors. Thoughts essentially drive your emotions, set your feelings, and also affect your behavior. With practice, you can improve your ability to recognize your internal feelings and thoughts.
It goes a little something like this:
An Event – Thought – Emotion – Feeling – Action or Behavior
Consider this. Think of a time you were stressed, anxious, sad, etc. What kinds of thoughts or self talk did you have? Did your thoughts lead you to feel more stressed? Did your thoughts help you to soothe yourself?
So if we want to change how we feel and also how we react, we NEED TO CHANGE OUR THOUGHTS.
Rational vs Irrational Thoughts
Sometimes the way we think about a situation is not always accurate or is an unrealistic interpretation. This would be considered an ”irrational thought”. Irrational thoughts are are more likely to occur when we are in a difficult situation, when heightened emotions are at play.
For example, let’s say the doctor told you that you have endometriosis, and because of that, your chances for a successful pregnancy are reduced.
A rational thought would be: “Yes, this is another hurdle, but I have options to treat my endometriosis to help get pregnant. Lots of women with endometriosis go on to have successful pregnancies.”
An irrational thought would be: “I knew something was wrong with me. I’m just doomed to never be a mom. What’s the point? I’m just going to die alone and childless.“
See the difference? What kind of feelings would you have with the rational thought? What kind of actions would you take given that feeling that is likely determination or hope? You may seek treatment immediately and start to take care of your body more.
What about the irrational thought? Would you be more likely to feel down? Would feeling down delay your treatment time? Would it lead to you being apathetic about prioritizing your physical health? Further, would feelings of sadness coursing through you affect how your body is responding to the treatment?
There are many types of irrational thoughts you can have and often a thought can incorporate multiple types. Knowing types of irrational thoughts can help you identify when you are having one. Different theories call them different names, but essentially, here are some types:
- Fortune Telling-Predicting what will happen in future without enough evidence.
- Ex: Saying, “I’ll never be a mom”, when you aren’t pregnant this cycle.
- Dark Glasses- Focusing on only the negative parts of a situation.
- Ex: You get good news about your egg count and sperm count, and overall chance for success, but the doctor said you have endometriosis, so you feel like the overall findings of your fertility are doomed.
- Magnification- Looking at things in a way that makes them seem bigger than they really are.
- Ex: You are taking supplements for fertility and forget to take them on a weekend trip and you think to yourself: “It’s all pointless now! I did all this work for nothing and now I’m definitely not getting pregnant.”
- Personalization- Blaming yourself for things that are NOT your fault.
- Ex: “I deserve to have fertility issues. I’m not meant to be a parent”. OR “This is god punishing me for XYZ.”
- Isolation- Believing you are unique in your circumstance.
- Ex: “Everyone else gets pregnant, no problem. No one else has to deal with fertility issues.”
- Labeling- Giving yourself or the situation a label.
- Ex: “My situation is hopeless” or I’m Infertile”
Once you have identified your thought, take time to evaluate if it is rational or irrational. Try to take a step back and look at the thought as if it was your best friend experiencing it. Would you say she was being reasonable? If not, it’s likely irrational.
Also consider “evidence” for and against the thought accuracy to ultimately decide if it’s rational or not. For example, if you told yourself, everyone gets pregnant and no one else has to deal with fertility issues, evidence FOR the claim, could be that yes you see lots of pregnancy posts on social media and they don’t mention any fertility issues. Evidence against the claim is that statistically, 1 in 8 couples has fertility struggles and that maybe other people you know choose to not share their fertility struggles.
If you fail to recognize that you are having an irrational thought, it can lead you to fully believe that thought as true and start the cycle of negative feelings and behavior. One negative thought can snowball into others, and lead us to a dark place, where we start to feel really stuck.
Reframe your Thoughts
Knowing our thoughts is the first step to change. Once we “catch” an irrational thought, we have to know what to do with it. This is where ‘reframing” comes in. If we want to change how we feel and also how we react, we NEED TO CHANGE OUR THOUGHTS to rational ones.
Here’s an example:
- Catch your thought. “I just KNOW I’m not going to get any good eggs this IVF round, what’s the point?“
- Evaluate your thought. You don’t KNOW that. You have changed/adjusted the meds after a disappointing first round, the doctor told you there was a X % chance it will work. You are doing everything you can to help make you successful this round. In essence, this thought is irrational, so you need to reframe it.
- Reframe your thought. “I have a good chance of success and am doing everything in my power to have success with this egg retrieval.“
Changing your thoughts to a more rational one can be difficult in times of distress. One tip that can help is writing it out on paper. This also is helpful if the same irrational thought pops up again as you already know what to replace it with. Make sure to verbalize the new thought and repeat it as necessary to help make it stick.
A Cycle of Positivity
You will find that with your new thoughts in place, you will feel more optimistic about your situation, which leads to more positive actions. These actions kickstart the cycle again, leading to more positive thoughts.
These steps can not only help you feel better and lighten the load for you, but utilizing these techniques successfully have actually been proven to help increase chances of success during IVF.
Lea Nicole is a psychotherapist and IVF Mindset Coach providing support to women struggling with fertility. After undergoing IVF herself, and applying the techniques she teaches, she became a mother. Her passion for helping others through this process stems from her understanding of the challenges and stresses that fertility can bring. Utilizing research-backed strategies, her goal is to improve mental well-being for her clients while increasing success rates. Lea Nicole is currently taking 1:1 coaching clients. Please message her on social media, email, or sign up for the free masterclass for more information.
Leave a Reply