Guest blog by Bailey Gaddis, author of Asking for a Pregnant Friend, Feng Shui Mommy, childbirth preparation educator, birth doula, and hypnotherapist.
I was so jealous of all the pregnant women when I was trying to conceive my second child. And then, I had a miscarriage and that jealousy turned into deep resentment. I fixated on what made these glowing, child-bearing women more deserving of the one thing I wanted most. Their bellies felt like a personal affront.
This jealousy was most acute when it came to two of my cousins who got pregnant at the same time I did. I lost my baby. They got to keep theirs. The rational, loving side of my brain was happy for them, but the other side – the loud, emotion-led side – wanted to ignore the healthy pregnancies, to pretend that everyone else’s world had also stopped when I lost my baby. So, I did ignore their pregnancies, and chose to focus on the women that were also navigating the grief of miscarriage.
This strategy eased my pain and resentment for a while, but something was niggling me. It was judgement. I was judging myself for not graciously dealing with my pregnancy loss, for not being happy for the pregnant women, for feeling so much jealousy. That’s when I started sharing what I was actually feeling with others. I opened up to my community of women that were struggling to become pregnant, or trying to become pregnant with their rainbow babies, and what I discovered surprised me. I wasn’t the only one. Almost every woman I shared my feelings with said they too felt intense jealousy towards pregnant women, especially those they knew. I wasn’t a freak. I didn’t have a black soul. I was having a very natural emotional response.
If you’re in the same boat – if you’re trying to become pregnant and are flooded with jealousy every time you see a pregnancy announcement or a round belly – know that what you’re feeling is normal. You have nothing to be ashamed of. But because jealousy can be draining, and might create tension in certain relationships, here are ideas to help you navigate it.
Tell your pregnant loved ones about your fertility struggles. One of the best ways to feel more connected, and less resentful, of pregnant friends and family members is to share your story with them. Often, when we open up about the pain and frustration we’re experiencing, we learn that our loved ones can relate.
For example, when I finally opened up to one of my pregnant cousins about my miscarriage, she shared that she too had had a miscarriage before conceiving her second child. While I of course wasn’t happy that she had also gone through this loss, it helped my jealousy fade. She wasn’t someone only touched by blessings. She knew my grief, and that made me feel less alone.
Avoid comparing yourself to others. One of the most damaging aspects of jealousy is that it can cause us to compare ourselves to others. We might start analyzing why we feel that pregnant person is more or less deserving of motherhood than we are. We might try uncovering the secret of what they did to become pregnant that we’re not doing. But this train of thought rarely leads anywhere helpful. It often just intensifies our resentment towards that pregnant person, or makes us get down on ourselves.
I got so obsessed with these comparisons that I would start thinking back on things I’d done that probably gave me bad fertility karma. And then I would convince myself that all the pregnant people were probably pregnant because they never did anything morally-questionable, and therefore had good fertility karma. It was exhausting and pointless.
The thing is, there’s often no clear reason why one woman is able to quickly develop a healthy pregnancy, while another is not. Sure, things like lifestyle, age, genetics, and other health-related factors can play a part, but it’s not uncommon for two women of similar health and age to have vastly different fertility journeys.
So when that urge to compare creeps us, try redirecting your mind. You can do this by making a list of all the proactive ways you’re supporting your fertility heath, connecting with someone who can relate to your frustrations, or simply engaging in something totally unrelated to fertility that just makes you feel good.
Mute the social media accounts that trigger you. As you might have noticed, social media can be an emotional minefield. It can smack you with the pain of yet another pregnancy or birth announcement when you least expect it.
There were so many times when I’d be having a good day – a day where I wasn’t consumed with thoughts of loss and fertility challenges – when bam, social media would remind me that my uterus was still empty.
To take back some control over your mental and emotional health, I encourage you to do as I did and mute all those triggering accounts.
Find a community of women who know what you’re going through. Remind yourself that you’re not the only woman who has lost a pregnancy, or is struggling to get pregnant, by connecting with other women in a similar situation. You can do this by utilizing an online or in-person support group, or engaging with social media accounts aimed at supporting women through pregnancy loss or fertility challenges.
However, know that each support group and online community is not created equal. It may take some time to find the right fit. For support groups, you can sit in one or two meetings to see if you resonate with the group. If you don’t, move on to another group. Keep doing this until you’ve found a community that makes you feel safe and supported.
The same goes for online communities. Spend some time perusing the posts and comments on different accounts, searching for one that has the vibe you’re looking for.
Once you find your people, I encourage you to engage. While it can be tempting to sit on the side lines, true support often comes when you share your story and make one-on-one connections with other women in the group.
Say no to social invitations that will put you in an uncomfortable position. If you receive an invitation to a gathering that will place you in a space with pregnant women or new moms, and you don’t feel up for that, you have every right to say, “no thanks.” You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your emotional comfort for the sake of socializing.
So, if that invite comes and your instinct is to say no, do that. You can make up an excuse, or if you feel emotionally safe with the host you can be straight up and tell them the situation will likely be too triggering for you.
If the host is the pregnant person, or new mom, you can also tell them that your resistance towards seeing them has nothing to do with them and their baby, and everything to do with your fertility journey. Share that you’re navigating immense grief and being around someone that has the one thing you want most can feel heartbreaking.
Create ground rules for get togethers with pregnant women and new moms. Because there will likely be times when you do want to connect with loved ones that are pregnant, or have a new baby, it’s wise to create some parameters for these meet-ups. The first is that your loved one not bring up pregnancy or motherhood. Let them know that it’s a really sensitive topic for you, and if you feel up for discussing it, you’ll bring it up.
The next one is that they don’t offer any advice for your fertility journey. It can be super annoying when someone that has a healthy pregnancy or baby starts throwing out fertility tips you’ve almost certainly already tried.
Give yourself space and time to regularly feel all the feels. As trying to suppress emotions can cause them to fester, it can be helpful to create intentional moments where you allow jealousy, or resentment, or anger, or whatever it is that’s coming up to move through you.
To do, set aside an hour or so, find a cozy, private space, turn off your phone, and let your mind go there. Let yourself think about how unfair it feels that all these other people are getting pregnant, that you keep having your period, that you were so sure you’d have a baby in your arms by now. If tears, rants, or whatever need to come up, let them.
Regularly engaging in this release can be one of the best ways to lighten your emotional load and move forward.
Above all, remember that you don’t need to feel ashamed for the emotions that arise as you try to conceive. You’re not a bad person for not feeling thrilled when loved ones get pregnant. You get to put your heart first and focus on loving yourself as you take your next steps towards meeting that healthy baby that is somewhere in your future.
Bailey Gaddis is the author of Asking for a Pregnant Friend and Feng Shui Mommy. She is a childbirth preparation educator, birth doula, and hypnotherapist and a regular contributor to media outlets including Working Mother, Fit Pregnancy, Pregnancy and Newborn, Cosmopolitan, Woman’s Day, Disney’s Babble, and more. Visit her online.
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