Guest blog by Jessica Boyer, an Intuitive Medium.
My brain is like a bad neighborhood; the deeper I go inside, the less likely I am to make it out unscathed.
I’ve always been a worrier. I’ve ruminated and anticipated, future-tripped and reality-flipped. I’ve invented outrageous stories and have been certain they would unfold.
Enter IVF. Now take that worry and put it on steroids (literally). Being under the influence of the hormones and being in the radar of a potential pregnancy takes my magical thinking to new heights. I’ve done three rounds (one successful) and I am about to go through another. So, I am writing this for me as much as I am for you.
Let me remind myself of the day I heard someone talk about the ruminating thoughts of my kind as “real but not true”. Thank you, Universe, for letting this phrase cross my path.
While just hearing that phrase provides a bit of relief, it has really been through meditation that I have had the felt experience of these words.
I always enter meditation with the assumption that it will not work for me. I sit uneasily in my chair, pre-judging my effort. I try to force my brain to relax and “just be”. I ponder all of the ways to make peace happen and I start to build up layers of anxiety on top of what I came in with. I try to focus on my breath and then I judge the way I am doing that.
Somehow I grow tired of being a doer in these moments.
I make the declaration that “I am open to receive” and then try to be a sponge to absorb the love and abundance of the Universe. I have clarity. I see the ruminating thoughts for what they are – just thoughts. In this moment, I can disconnect them from the path of imminence. I have compassion for myself, knowing that the fear in those thoughts is real and that is hard.
Not knowing if I will have another baby is hard; that is real. The love I have for that potential baby is soft and expansive; that is true.
Meditation brings me presence. Presence brings me peace. Peace is real and true.
Jessica Boyer is an Intuitive Medium who left her career in marketing to follow the call to do her work; she now holds sessions with clients around the world. Having gone (and still going) through infertility, she feels called to help new moms and those who are trying to conceive to connect to their intuition. She spends her days giving readings and enjoying time with her miracle from IVF, Jude. To learn more about her work, please visit http://www.jessicaboyer.net