Guest blog by Lea Nicole Trujillo, a licensed mental health professional, certified IVF Clini-Coach® , and podcast host of Tru Fertility.
THE MELTDOWN
I sat in my car tears streaming down my face,, frustrated, and completely unable to pull myself together. So much so, that my dad had to come out to console me. It was Christmas day, and I was supposed to be inside my family’s home, enjoying this “joyful” day, yet here I was.
Normally, I’m a very put-together type of girl, but my struggle with infertility had brought me here. To a place I didn’t recognize. To a version of me, I hadn’t met before. And it was something as small as forgotten cupcakes that completely sent me over the edge that Christmas day.
But it took me getting to this point to realize something had to change. I had learned about gratitude journaling, and at this point I was willing to try anything. So that night, instead of spending time thinking about the fact that another year went by sans baby, I got out my pen and started to write.
GRATITUDE JOURNALING
I wrote down 3 things that brought a smile to my face or that I was lucky to have or experience that day. I wrote:
My dad comforting me after my cupcake meltdown
My big Mexican family
Connecting with an Aunt about fertility
Now, I’m not gonna lie, that one entry didn’t instantly make me feel great, but I committed to giving this a real go. I bought a gratitude journal and decided come hell or high water, I would write my daily gratitude each night.
To be honest, on a lot of days it was HARD to find something to be grateful for. But day by day, log by log, the fog started to lift. I started to finally notice all the good in my life. How lucky I was to have a great cup of coffee, appreciating the moments I got to snuggle with my Boop Baby (aka my dog Chunk), and the walks I would have with my husband on a beautiful day.
At the end of each week, I loved looking back to reminisce on all the good in my life, putting a star by the highlight of each week. Daily Gratitude journaling is one of the easiest ways to notice the joy in your life and lift your mood despite infertility.
But this was just the start for how I began to use the pen to start to heal my heart during this challenging time in my life.
BURN BOOK
Aside from focusing on the feel goods, I also needed a place to let go, to vent, and to express my anger without consequences or judgment.
Struggling with infertility can bring about A LOT of negative emotions and although you may think brushing them aside is the easier thing to do, it will come back to haunt you. That anger, that frustration, doesn’t just disappear. When you suppress emotions, they have a sneaky way of coming out in other ways. The toxicity builds in your body. You can start to feel it in the tension in your shoulders or the tightness in your jaw. You’ll start to be more on edge, with the slightest hiccup in your day setting you off. This is why letting it all out on paper is so helpful.
I suggest when something happens that ticks you off or rubs you the wrong way, to give yourself the private time and space to write. You don’t need to worry about it being understandable, cohesive, or grammatically correct. You don’t need to censor yourself. Just write and allow yourself to tell off that witch of a woman who told you that you “just need to relax to get pregnant”. The point is to just vent, and get it all out of you, instead of letting it sit within. And when you’re done, you can rip it up, burn it, or hide it away.
A LETTER TO YOUR LOST ONE
I hope you don’t need to ever use your pen this way, but if you do, know you’re not alone.
After my first IVF transfer, I had a miscarriage, which completely devastated me. I didn’t understand why, and I felt a huge amount of loss that I needed to process. I didn’t know how to move on and focus on a new baby when I was grieving from the one I lost.
Writing a letter to my lost baby was extremely helpful. It gave me a place to consolidate my hopes and dreams I had for this baby and to let it know how sad I was to let it go. I also wrote that although I’ll never know why they left, I hoped I could know one daywhen we met in heaven. You can say whatever YOU need to say to your lost little one here.
Once you write the letter, you can also add on a ceremony piece to fully put to rest your loved one with dignity. This can look like reading your letter and then letting go a balloon, or planting something in their memory.
This can also be helpful if you have a failed transfer, because that’s also a real loss that deserves honor and grieving as well.
A LETTER TO YOUR LOVED ONE
Infertility doesn’t happen to us in a vacuum. Theres’ a whole other person, your partner, that is just as wrapped up in it’s grip. Talking to your partner, working through all the decisions, and keeping your connection alive can be especially challenging during this time. And sometimes, the regular mode of communication, talking, just isn’t cutting it.
In these situations, you can consider writing a letter to your loved one expressing your feelings, thoughts, or insecurities. This is especially good if you feel like you’re not skilled at having face to face convos because you have a hard time staying on the subject you intended to or if it’s just too emotional to discuss for you.
For me, I started to wonder if my husband would consider leaving me due to my struggle with infertility. And it was so hard and vulnerable to share this with him, that a letter explaining my worst fears would have been helpful.
PEAK ME UP
It’s also important to remember that infertility is a chapter of your life, but it’s not your WHOLE life.
I know there have been brighter days in your past and it can do some good to sit and reflect on them in written form. In fact, this practice of journaling about your best, most magical experiences, has been proven to be a HUGE happiness booster.
So whip out your journal, and take yourself back to the best experiences of your life. Really imagine yourself in the moment and write about in as much detail as possible. Try to re-experience the emotions you felt and describe the feelings you had. Don’t spend time analyzing why this experience happened, just bask in the moment and try to recreate it in written form. Note: I’ll be back to my wedding day guys.. See you there!
MY HOPE FOR YOU
I hope you can use some of the journaling tools I shared to help you start to heal from the scars that infertility has left on your heart. Try one or try them all , but the main thing is to TRY SOMETHING. Infertility sucks, but it doesn’t have to take you down with it. You and your well-being are worth it, regardless of if you end up with a baby or not.
Lea Nicole Trujillo is a licensed mental health professional, certified IVF Clini-Coach® , and podcast host of Tru Fertility, after her own 7 year journey to conceive. She specializes in helping women struggling to conceive undergo a mindset metamorphosis so they can reclaim their joy while boosting fertility with coaching programs and events.
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