Sometimes I receive an email from y’all that hits me deep to the core.
This one comes from Renae. And no, she did not have the greatest of news. Her last and final IVF failed, and they have decided to end their journey. She shared with me extreme sorrow and pain with this decision.
There are no words, really – except to express the courage to confront and work through one of life’s most challenging moments.
She talked about how our programs were recommended to her husband, and written on a crumbled piece of paper were the words “circleandbloom.” He said to her, this will help us connect with each other.
They would then lay in bed together before going to sleep and listen to each day’s sessions. Together.
I think life’s blessing is learning and sharing with one another. The ability to connect through our stories… I would LOVE to hear your stories… so after reading this one, will you share yours? Simply comment below and let the words flow. I promise it will be cathartic process for you – and if you don’t want us to share it – no problem. I’m thinking a book – like a Chicken Soup for the Soul type book would be a terrific on for the IF community.
Thank you Renae, your courage to share, your courage to be vulnerable, your courage to learn and lean with others is such a wonderful example. Here is her email, slightly edited by us just for clarity:
Dear Joanne,
I hope you are having a wonderful day! It has taken me some time to heal but I have been wanting to write you for a while now.
My IVF failed again. The reason for writing to you is I want to let you know, again, how much you have helped me. A little background if I may….. My only biological child, Shawn 7, is a child from a broken and abusive marriage. I am so proud of the fact that I had the strength to leave because I hear so many do not!
My son was only 1 years old when I became a single mom. I NEVER thought I would re marry. I did a year later to a wonderful, smart, caring and kind man. No questions asked, he has played the roll of Shawn’s dad.
About a year into the marriage, 5 years now, we decided to have our own family. Shawn was so easy to conceive, I was 32 years old at the time. One year went by…nothing. We tried Chlomid, got pregnant but it was a tubal pregnancy and I lost my first tube. After that, we tried IVF.
It was insane and I could not believe that we could not get pregnant, it failed. Then I got pregnant on my own, it failed. Second round of IVF…failed. At that point, 1 year ago, we lost all hope, I got pregnant the very next month but to once again learn it is in my tube and I lost that one as well.
Four years, a ton of blood, sweat and tears and I am now a 40 year old woman with no tubes. I looked at my husband and I said one more time. This was last November.
I did ask him to please get us some help. He went to a wonderful therapist and came back with excitement and hope. But…this is where you come into play. He had written down on a crumbled piece of paper, like a man…ha, circleandbloom.
He said this will connect us…this will help me understand and help you get through this journey. I have to say….your recordings exceeded ALL of my expectations.
Every night before bed we would lay and listen to the recording. It connected us, it saved me from loosing my mind. I thought for sure this was it, I will be pregnant. Well, sadly, very sadly, it did not work. I found out Christmas day and cried for a month straight. So I got rid of the sonogram I had kept by my bedside, said a prayer and listened to your recording. I don’t know which one I hit but it discussed how much of a selfless act I was performing. Hearing that reminded me there are others in the world that struggle and I have done something amazing. I then cried a bit more and erased your program. I miss it, I got used to it!
I want to tell you what you do is simply amazing! I am sure the stories and hard work is difficult at times but like circleandbloom tells us that we are performing a selfless task…so are you!
I thank you in advance for reading my e-mail. It is helping me with closure. Although I would try again, we have exceeded our limit on what we will spend. I have difficult nights and cringe whenever I see a new baby or a pregnant mom. I feel everyone around me gets to be pregnant but me. Currently my best friend and sister in law is pregnant.
You don’t know me but you helped me strive, fail and heal. I hope it is rewarding! I will never be the same not being able to give my husband his own child, but for the rest of my life I will think of a difficult journey and a tragedy that you helped me overcome! I wish you all the best!
All my gratitude,
Renae
Infertility has become such a huge part of my life over the past few years. It is so strange that something you never thought would be part of your life can become the very center of your being – the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing you think about at night – infertility has a way of doing that. All of the tears I have cried, so many days spent grieving, thousands of dollars spent, daily injections, blood work and so many ultrasounds and still no baby. Some days I don’t know how I keep going, but the funny thing is that I always do – I always find a way to smile after the tears, to keep moving when I want to stand still, to continue to move forward with love, strength and grace. I have been thinking a lot about how I keep going – I have realized that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. Thank you Circle + Bloom for giving me a little bit of solace every day – my daily meditation time is one of the parts of my day that I treasure most. This infertility journey is so difficult and I am so appreciative of the support that C+B provides.