Right after my second miscarriage, we attended the wedding celebration of a very dear friend who was already about four – five months pregnant. She had on this stunning cream colored dress and her baby bump showed just enough that she looked curvy and round in a beautiful, almost primitive way, like one of those ancient fertility statues showing a swollen figure representing birth and new life. She moved through the crowd effortlessly and her smile never left her face.
I was devastated.
My brain, being depressed and anxious about my situation, ran on its own. It bitched constantly. The negative self talk in my head went something like this:
I am sure that I am causing my own infertility. I can’t do anything right. My low self-confidence causes all of my problems, and being infertile is just another one. I hate how I deal with things. Look at all of those other women who are so secure in who they are, and of course they get pregnant with no problems. I don’t deserve my dreams coming true.
I believe fundamentally that life is a journey, and everything happens as it should. For me, self-discovery and finding peace happened while commuting on the New Jersey Transit, and I am grateful every day that for it. Once we moved to the suburbs, I found myself very begrudgingly commuting almost one hour each way either on a train or bus. At first, this time spent in quiet solitude was boring and almost difficult. I then started journaling, being completely honest and raw with my pen. Then I started reading constantly, becoming a voracious reader mainly of spiritual books, self-help and fertility books. Some kind of window opened in my brain and I could not learn enough about human nature, what I wanted to accomplish and the ideas and creativity started to pour out of me. It was during this time that I brainstormed the Circle + Bloom program.
Looking back, I am convinced that most of my stress came as a result of “sleeping” through life. Letting my mind-negativity rule my internal and external world. When that started to change – when I became more aware of my thoughts – I could simply let them go. I could acknowledge the fact that the thoughts were negative, and then explore where that thought was stemming from and hopefully find the truth of my being in the process.
The result? Internal peace. Living in the present moment. Being thankful for each and every minute, idea, and expression of my self. Living in a world where I choose positive thoughts, I choose to be grateful and creative, and I choose to love myself. When I do have negative thoughts, I treat it as a wonderful opportunity to learn something more about myself. It’s a true awakening and if I can do it, so can you.
By becoming more aware of your own thoughts, I believe that stress and anxiety from living with infertility can be controlled, managed, and understood from a different perspective. Being aware when you see another woman pregnant, paying attention to the thoughts are running through your mind – but (and this is very important) trying not to label them. Don’t berate yourself for having negative thoughts. Just accept them as is. The simple process of becoming aware of those thoughts, the greater consciousness within you gains greater control of your mind, your well-being, your levels of happiness. If stress is therefore reduced, your bodies become more balanced, which could result in improved fertility.
My new self-talk?
“Everything that I have I am grateful for. I feel abundance in my life and feelings of peace and security come as a result. What can I do right now that furthers my goals as a positive contributor to my life, my family and my community?”